Monday, July 25, 2005

Coffee Cup Lid

This coffee cup lid simply does not work for me.

Those of you non-coffee drinkers may want get a close look and note the following physical characteristics of the coffee cup lid. Notice that the opening is located on the roof of the lid which I believe is the source of a deep quandary. This calls for an in-depth discussion. So drop everything you are doing. This is important.

Consider the mechanics of events taking place once the coffee drinker tips the cup in order to extract the content. The liquid is channeled to the roof of the lid, flows through the opening, and onto the outside of the cup to be greeted by the law of gravity.

Once the liquid makes its way to the outside, there is no way to revert back to the inside due to the small size of the opening, and the last line of defense before spilling onto the drinker's attire is his/her lower lip. The drinker's lower lip and the lid must be sealed tightly to ensure a safe and smooth transfer from the cup to the destination which is the drinker's mouth, not his/her clothing.

I spill coffee every day. Even at the highest level of concentration and focus while tipping the cup toward my mouth, I still spill coffee 99% of the time. Trust me. I press my lower lip against the lid very very hard. Contrary to what some of you may think, I don't get thrills out of sharing a big wet sloppy kiss with an inanimate object such as a coffee cup lid. Simple things like drinking coffee should not engender this much drama and agony.

So after this guy made his usual snotty comment about my soiled shirt for the umpteenth time, I decided to share this deeply private and personal dilemma with him against my better judgment. My lower lip does not get along with the coffee cup lid, I confided.

"You got a small lower lip. That's why," said so tersely, then he giggled.

Dude, you are 41 years old. I know you try so hard to be a "cool" neighbor to the teenage girls next door, but I haven't heard a girlie giggle like that since my niece was six. And QUIT TALKING WITH YOUR HANDS ALREADY. I know my way to my lips, dork.

Normally, a comment and creepy giggle like that would cause me to wallow in self-consciousness had I been more insecure. The Lord knows how much time I spend comparing how my receding hairline measures up against other men's. While stuck in Southern California traffic jams, my eyes usually scan through drivers and passengers in the cars around me in search of balding men. Hey you in the Mercedes, could you turn your head this way so that I can get a good look at your forehead hairline? Oh yeah, yours has receded more than mine. Thank you for making my day. You are 75? You still made my day.

No, I don't plan on doing the same with people's lower lips. Why? Because my lower lip, ladies and gentlemen, can perform a very special talent which most people haven't seen or even heard of.

My lower lip can weightlift. Look.

No, the picture is not doctored. Email me for a private demonstration if you wish. My small and delicate lower lip can weightlift a pen, up five toothpicks at a time, three Q-tips, toothbrush, and as seen in the photo, a screwdriver.

Ask yourself this. Can your large and roast beef like lower lip do that? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

My lower lip - An embodiment of breathtaking acrobatics, precision, finesse, and grace.

>>>>>Thundering Applause<<<<<


At July 25, 2005 8:58 PM, Blogger Gretchen said...

Hi David, I came across your site through my cousin David shack's site. This post really made me laugh because, yes, I have spilled many times while trying to sip my coffee. I find your blog really funny and extremely interesting.

At July 26, 2005 12:46 PM, Blogger David Cho said...

My own mug? Okay, I will have to consider that.

Oh that picture is gross!!!!! I wasn't talking about mutilation.

At July 26, 2005 4:50 PM, Blogger Elevated said...

increased surface area! :P

My roommate in college could hold a pen between her nose and top lip...too bad she's married. You two could have gone on the road.

At July 26, 2005 5:11 PM, Blogger David Cho said...

What is so hard about that?

You just have to protrude the upper lip out, place the pen, and then stretch out the lip upward to secure the pen between it and the nose. In fact, I'm doing it right now.

At July 26, 2005 6:12 PM, Blogger Max said...

Ah yes, the spilling of the coffee. I too find myself with stained shirt from the magical java bean drink. Our lids up here at Tim Hortons are the tear-a-strip variety. Nice wide hole. No drip problem. Why then do I get the stains, you ask?

Drinking my coffee while driving a five speed stick in rush hour.

At July 26, 2005 6:17 PM, Blogger David Cho said...

Bad Max, bad. And while talking on the cell phone too? Good thing you are not a woman putting on makeup.

At July 27, 2005 5:53 AM, Blogger grace said...

About the coffee, use a straw!

Your posts are really funny and interesting. I look forward to reading some of your earlier posts.

Try the straw, really, I think you'll like it.

At July 27, 2005 7:59 AM, Blogger Elevated said...

I amend my previous comment - my memory was a little lacking. She could do one under her lower lip and upper lip at the same time. I have a picture of it somewhere. It is a thing of beauty.

At July 27, 2005 8:16 AM, Blogger David Cho said...

Straws are only for cold drinks. God said so. I will find it for you.

Wow, Elevated. And she is married? That doesn't mean I can't be her fan. I am a huge Jessica Simpson fan, and she's married.

(Did I say that out loud?).

At July 30, 2005 5:20 PM, Blogger L-girl said...

Hot beverages + straw = burned tongue.

Do not say you weren't warned.

At July 30, 2005 5:24 PM, Blogger David Cho said...

Exactly, L-Girl. I couldn't remember quite why it just did not seem right about drinking hot beverages with a straw, but you are right. The concentration of heat exiting out of a small opening of a straw onto the tongue will cause a burn.

At August 26, 2005 12:33 AM, Blogger David Cho said...

Reposting elevated's comments dated July 26, 2005 12:30 PM because her long URL messed up this page.

2 thoughts -

1) Get your own coffee mug and alleviate the need for the mal-fitted lid
2) David's new lip(converted to a link by David)

At August 27, 2005 4:41 AM, Anonymous Tommi said...

David, your comments are dead on! I love the website and visit it often...this being my first post.

At October 11, 2005 4:06 PM, Blogger Amber said...

Ah THANK YOU David for pointing out the coffee lid dilemma. I have major problems with coffee lids too but I thought it was just me. Thanks for helping me see that the problem is really with the lid. You've restored my sense of dignity.

At September 15, 2006 8:38 AM, Blogger rubyslipperlady said...

I'm crying, I'm actually crying. I'm sitting at the front desk at work laughing so hard I'm not making any sound and I have tears running down my face. People probably think someone died (which isn't good since I work at a hospital).

Perhaps you could have your beverages in your own travel mug, thus lessening the waste into our environment and providing you with a happy lip/lid relationship and less stained laundry.

At July 20, 2007 8:09 AM, Blogger Coach said...

I like these lids - they don't spill when driving. Much better than the ones at some C-Stores where you have to tear the strip.

At August 26, 2007 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

One good solution to the Starbucks siphole spill problem is this siphole plug from Little Green Plug. ( Check it out. It works.


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